HELP WANTED.?Clerical duties include paying bills, recycling child?s drawings of Wild Kratts characters assuming ?creature powers? when child is not looking, and collating massive amounts of wrinkled, unread periodicals. Will consider bonus pay for reading and summarizing of periodicals for resident parents, including six months? back issues of The New Yorker, Harper?s, Rolling Stone, and Crate and Barrel and BevMo! catalogs.
Courtesy of Vegas Bleeds Neon
Occasional light house keeping, including wiping urine off bathroom floor after six-year-old has been in there and scrubbing sink of stubborn sparkly Crest-brand toothpaste.
Also light errands (groceries, dental floss, new stapler, post office, oil change, wine store, etc.). Expect some meal planning/prep of healthy, ?kid-friendly? yet not drearily macaroni-laden meals. Some laundry. Also light carpentry, for ex. fixing mysteriously sticky front door lock, ensuring imminent but humane death of recurrent ants, and hanging of holiday-themed fairy lights on front walk.
Must keep multiple calendars (one on iPhone/laptop; additionally, one hanging in kitchen with endearing photos of nephews), including doctor, dentist, and parent-teacher conferences, and interpret chicken scratch on to-do lists throughout house (on white board in kitchen; on envelope-backs on desk in living room and desk in office). Financial planning skills (including balancing checkbook, paying taxes, and deciding whether $200 is too much for new boots that may last a decade?which makes them much more reasonable at a mere $20/year, if you think about it?) a must.
Ability to be in more than one place at one time a definite bonus.
Required computer skills include basic understanding of Google Docs and backing up of laptop at regular intervals. Also must know how to use so-called ?Cloud? as well as troubleshoot reason thirteen-year-old-but-heretofore-reliable printer does not like to print PDFs anymore (why? WHY??).
Desired interpersonal skills include cheerfulness when on hold with health insurance company for extended period of time; calm demeanor when purchasing airline tickets on Kayak.com, even when resident parents must enforce Austerity Measures to pay for Christmastime travel; ability to not drop aging and battered iPhone more than 2X per week (including not shouting expletives within earshot of six-year-old after said dropping occurs); and devotion to The Japanese Art of Tidying Up, the recipes and personal ethos of Mark Bittman, and yoga. Note: there will be no time for yoga.
Must be willing to pour glass of wine at end of day and assure resident working mother also attempting to write book that she is doing great job.
Also dealing with aging parents of parents who are visiting for a fortnight. Mother likes to be helpful but knows it all so she’s difficult. Drinks a fair amount too but fortunately she has no palate so you can get by on cheap wine. Father spends too much time on the computer and is mostly oblivious to everything around him – except for meals: he likes meat three times a day. He will, however, shop at Monterey Mart every day so that should help somewhat. He has a tendency to go crazy for fresh vegetables so an inordinate amount of time will be spent on preparing salads etc. Be sure to never mention the words Ronald Reagan in his presence…….
Ha! Good one, mom. “Like” the post, okay?
Summaries of New Yorker articles are no fun! The joy is in reading the actual writing!
Actually, my heart is with you. All I can say is this: 12 years from now, you will wish you had this back!
Please do tell us if you do find said assistant and whether he or she has an equally efficient twin! My most want-to-delegate task is recycling of child’s artwork (why is this so guilt inducing?!). So know how you feel…
It’s guilt-inducing because we have that voice saying, “cherish every moment/piece of artwork/accomplishment” in our heads at all times, don’t you think? But man, the paper, the paper everywhere…
Lisa and Susie, I am happy to enter both of your homes with a recycling bin and or a metal wastebasket and some matches to dispose of said artwork however you prefer, releasing the loving and creative spirit in which it was made.