Kid Kid Kid

Hey, thanks to everyone who, after reading my post last week, called or emailed to send love and hope I had a good weekend. We did. I was still kind of uptight, and L had a high fever again, but now we’re all on the mend and the mountains were gorgeous (if snowless).

So last night I went to a Moms’ group that I had been invited to by my friends S and E. Neither of them could make it, so it was me and a handful of others I’d never met before. We all went around in a circle and talked about our days, our kids, whatever needed discussing. It was interesting because even though I’d never been there before people just talked–about the decision not to have another child, about anxiety over any number of things–personal stuff you might not share with a stranger. I felt honored to be included, and it came on a good night since I’d had a difficult couple of days with L, who has been by turns cranky as all get out and emotionally fragile about daycare, both of which are wearying and concerning. I had a good time last night, and I’m glad I went.

But I have to admit.

In the middle of someone talking about birth trauma and how it still comes up when your kid is two, which is true for a lot of women, sure, this little voice said to me, what are you doing here? Why, after having spent the entire day talking to your two-year-old and to others about your two-year-old–and given that there’s a babysitter at home–why are you not out drinking margaritas with a childless friend? Or reading a book? Or seeing a movie? Or doing anything that doesn’t make your eyes glaze over with kid, kid, kid??

It was an excellent point. Earlier that day, S and I were out with R, from England, who said that one of the things that struck her about American parenting is how involved we get, both with our children and in our own philosophies about parenting. (At the time, L and S’s son were wrangling over a truck, and S and I were involved in the negotiation somehow, using all our best tools.) R said that in London people would be much more apt to just say, “Hey, you need to share” and turn back to their own conversation. Here, she pointed out, we tend to give choices to our kids; talk about discipline styles with each other; engage in our kids’ disputes and encourage them to be good sharers; etc. It was an honest and smart observation. I have participated in some playground conversations that were so intricate and esoteric on the finer points of two-year-old psychology I felt I could have been doing dissertation research. Then you turn that lens on your kid, and sometimes the intricate psychology works and sometimes you can almost feel your kid thinking, Mom, this isn’t really that complicated.

This came up again today, when an Argentine friend and I were hanging out at the park. She told me that when her child was young she had joined a Moms’ group but left after one session, because she realized that mostly she was pretty happy to have a baby and didn’t need to discuss everything all the time.

Wait, so, both of my international friends think we Americans overthink and overprocess our children.

Do we?

Yes. We do. I think we do, anyway. I have prided myself on being able to straddle a pretty good line between a) being able to discuss politics, art, cooking, shopping, travel, writing, music, etc. and b) succumbing sometimes to the need to just talk talk talk talk talk about my kid and my issues as a parent. Which is to say, it makes sense to me that people need to discuss their parenting a lot, because even if you have a pretty awesome kid (I count myself in that camp), being a parent is a difficult job. Punto. And on the other hand, amen for having some time when you don’t have to discuss potty training and all its nuances (BOring).

It occurs to me that this is why childless people get so fed up with people with kids, because they feel we can’t talk about “real” stuff anymore. And because we tediously overthink everything. Over the weekend, one such friend made a snide remark when B and I were trying to get L to do something. “Why don’t you not give him a choice, and just tell him what to do?” Ah. Yes, that is the remark of a non-parent. I’m happy to try to order L around, and watch the afternoon get FUBAR because he feels he has no control and is just a puppet of the parental state (he might have different language for his feelings in this situation). There are times when I only want to hang out with other parents, because they have a clue of what our days our like.

But at other times, I’m desperate to come up for air and forget I have a child for just an hour or two. I’m lucky to have a lot of friends who don’t have kids, and I want to maintain those friendships, because it feels invaluable to me to get some perspective, sometimes. Sadly, some of my friendships are not as strong since I have had a baby. Childless friends want me to meet for drinks at ten p.m. They call at 4:00 p.m. and prattle on. I admit I am now the one who needs to call the time and place. A couple of my wonderful dear friends have gracefully accepted this, for which I’m grateful. I know I’m a pain in the ass since I have a two-year-old strapped to my leg all the time. So sue me.

What’s my point, exactly? Well, that next week maybe I won’t blog about parenting again. Politics, anyone? Art? Cooking? Anyone want to get a drink at 8:30 some night or call me between 1:30 and 4:00, when L is sure to be snoozing?

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5 Comments

  1. Linda Mason

    Susie…..one time I was at a party in a huge barn. ALL the women were at one end, discussing their kids. I had none at the time, and hung out at the other end of the barn
    with the MEN who were not discussing children at all. I said to myself I would never talk about my kids all the time if I had them. Nine months later I had one, and understood for the first time the bond all mothers have. They’re just people, some are boring about being mothers, some are fascinating! (You are in the latter group!)

    Reply
  2. Ruth

    I feel honoured (with a ‘u’) to be quoted on your excellent blog!
    It’s funny what we each took away from that encounter. I was actually sitting there admiring the way that the two of you were so engaged with your kids. I guess it’s about finding a happy medium. And I’d love to go for Margaritas after bedtime! Lets set it up!

    Reply
  3. sunburn

    ok, it’s official. yours is my favouritest new blog! your no-holds-barred honest writing (about mommies or otherwise) means a new post makes my day.

    i think i went through phases. when we first got h, i made a concious decision NOT to talk about him until asked (rule slightly relaxed around mommy friends). though of course fascinating for me and y, he was a 100% regular baby – how interesting could it be for others? now the parenting is getting more interesting, there’s more to discuss, but mainly still with selected mommy friends (incuding you!), i think in an effort to get input and garner support/sympathy, depending on the day. once in a while i catch myself telling a H anecdote, and cringe slightly. is it because I is asian? or a mommy-denier?

    very interesting point re child-rearing psychology and americans. my asian friends have (had) very similar discussions on baby gear and baby feeding/sleeping strategies to my american ones, but the kiddy psychology and theory discussion is completely missing in the former compared to the latter group after about age 1. my two friends who have given up full-time work after having children and are widely read in parenting ‘schools’ are both american. does two a trend make?

    last self-imposed rule – i never talk about poop or how tired i am. i figure no one ever wants to hear about either, no matter what. last ditch attempt in salvaging a life where margaritas exist? i’ll happily drink one with you at 8.30, any night!

    Reply
    • An Honest Mom

      HA! This is so funny, because I have a women’s group I meet with where I’m the only one who has a kid–it’s really refreshing–we always meet at one of their houses and they’re always so clean and filled with fragile things. at the last meeting, i mentioned how my project for the group was interrupted by my child smearing poop all over his curtains. and the minute it came out of my mouth i thought, “Am I THAT woman??!” For some reason, I felt the instinctive need to draw the line at poop too. 🙂

      And thanks, Susie, for writing this. I think it’s a total balance for me–sometimes after hanging out with people without kids who can’t relate on all the kid stuff, all I want to do is gush w/ some mom’s about discipline strategies. and other times…at your egg nog party actually, I wondered why all my conversations stemmed around parenthood, and kinda wished they hadn’t. i wonder too if this is a result of our society becoming so mobile and less village-y and therefore we mostly hang out with people who are like us all the time. so we have less cross-pollination with “others” who aren’t like us and so we all sort of polarize in our own little worlds–people without kids start rolling their eyes everytime we go into parenting minutiae and parents just wanna hang out with other parents because everyone else just doesn’t get it.

      basically, i believe in diversity in all things. bio, eco, and brain and behavioral and relationship…we all need to mix it up for our own health and wellness and flexibility.

      Reply
  4. Laal

    i was just thinking the other day that it seems most of those childless, pre-child friends have dropped out of my life. it’s sad too, because sometimes it seems like they make the best aunties! (or people to hang out with solo.) thanks for sharing!

    Reply

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