Just shy of his first birthday, planning for reflection and nostalgia, instead wham boom I?m in the hospital with a?bum appendix. The husband is away, unreachable, mobile stashed in the glove box of somebody?s car. I wanted this for him, a break from the work and the waves. I was not afraid to let him go. Even in the hospital, frantically phoning the school/the grandfather/the good friend/the nanny I am not even quite afraid, it?s not the right word?incredulous might do it. And, perhaps sickly, slightly relieved. Why? It makes no sense.
My milk threatens to dry up after the hospital stay. I blame Nurse Ratchett, reincarnated as a beautiful blonde named Shelley who refuses me fluids, who looks at the breast pump like it is a medieval torture device. It is clear she does not have children or want children or like children. This is okay; parenthood does not, in my book, an adult make. But kindness? Kindness, yes. She brings me Jello and broths so salty if I drink them my cells will shrivel up. She brings me a vomit bag which I fill and hand to her. (Later, in the 1200-word letter I write to the hospital, complaining, I say the best part of my stay was handing over the puke. This is true.)
A week later, shadows in the studio play off the green chair and make me think someone is passing by. I am writing again, or attempting to. My milk has come back slowly, so slowly. I hear voices telling me one year of nursing is enough, one year is good. But I could not take it from him so abruptly. Returning from the hospital, I was greeted by his outstretched fists clutched tightly in the ?milk? sign, his body tense, his desperate crying for me. There was no mistaking it. Why would I take this away if I didn?t have to?
When the husband finally calls from the road two days later, he too is incredulous. ?Hi,? is all he says, but his voice says something else. ?I?m okay,? I tell him, though I do not feel okay: my belly is full of fluid and air. I can feel them sloshing together, waves crashing on a ship?s prow. Later, after he gets home, we will spend six more hours at the Emergency Room. When did they stop calling it a CAT scan and call it CT? The contrast dye makes me have to pee, flushes me head to toe. The pedantic tech had assured me it would. I guess I was grateful to know ahead of time.
Fluid in the abdomen. Start of an abscess. Maybe. Shit.
?Antibiotics,? says Dr. James Starr, ER doctor. ?Three to four days intravenous, incompatible with nursing.? This is the first time I feel fear. Later, moments before they are hooking me up to an IV, he comes in to say stop. ?The surgeon says you can go home with a prescription instead,? he reports, and then I cry again for a different reason.
The pain is like needles. The pain is a dull ache. The pain is like needles. The sloshing gets lesser. The air passes through. The incisions are like angry little mouths, glued shut. I cannot get comfortable. The air lodges in my shoulder. The pain killers make me stupid. I take one a day, tops.
Let me see your scars, the eight-year-old intones every day. He tells me appendicitis is contagious. He tells me he does not want to get close to me. The first night home, I remind him to be gentle. As if possessed by the devil, he leans over to my belly and with both hands, presses. After, wailing, he insists it was an accident. I pretend to believe him. I tell him it is okay.
It was not an accident.
Someone brings soup.
Someone brings flowers.
Someone does my dishes.
The house is still a disaster.
By his first birthday, things are mostly right-side-up again. The mornings have grown colder. In California you watch for these subtle signs of fall. By mid-day it could be any season, but the mornings are crisp. We attempt a walk. In the bath the night before, I noticed my tailbone, jutting out. Three pounds lost in the hospital, all, apparently, from my ass. How many ounces is an appendix? Not that many.
Pounds lost: 3
Hours in hospital: 30
Babies un-nursed: 1
Size of inflamed appendix: 11 millimeters
Pounds of air pumped into belly: too many
Appendixes left: 0
The incident with the appendix cuts something with the baby. It is not so simple as that, for two days, waiting for contrast dye and antibiotics to leave my system, I can?t nurse. It is also that, in that time, I avoided him altogether, fearing his desire. Out of sight, out of mind, I told myself. Lying in bed while someone else takes care of him, I feel for a minute like I never had him. I could let my milk dry up, forget all about it. But I do not. Guilt, I think. When he resumes nursing he kicks at my belly. The two of them, these two boys, slowly batter me.
The eight year old, who has always been in control of his feelings, is acting strange. Mad. Reserved. Finally, I make him say it. ?I was scared,? he says. ?You never called me,? he says. ?I never got to visit you in the hospital,? he says. ?I was so worried,? he says. ?I didn?t know what was happening.? My love for him floods the room.
I?m sorry, I say.
I?m sorry, I say.
I played around with the style of this blog post after reading Jenny Offill’s amazing and experimental novel Dep’t. of Speculation, which I can’t say enough good things about.
Also:More about Writing Motherhood.
Photo by Piron Guillaume on Unsplash
Wow. I can almost feel your pain in my belly – in my heart. I’ll never forget the look on E’s face when she tried to nurse but there was no more milk. She was 15 months old. She cried and looked at me like, “How could you?” And now that she’s 13, I still see that look. I recently cut her off from her morning back scratch. It started when she was born. I would nurse her in the room she shared with her sister. To make F feel better about my nursing E, I would hold her and rub her back every morning. It turned into a ritual for the two of them. 5 minutes each in my arms. As they got bigger, I had to lie in the bed and wake each of them up gradually with a back scratch. (What a way to wake up, right?!) F grew out of the ritual on her own – maybe at age 12, but E – she’s still holding on to it. I told her she was old enough to wake up on her own now. But she still gives me that look sometimes. Just today, I gave in.
Oh Mag, I SO get that. L gave me the same look at 15 months, for the same reason. Parenting is all about giving in on some level, no?! Thanks for the comment!
Why didn’t I come to you? What was going on in my life that was more important? What could be more important than you?
I just remembered: I was in England. And enjoying a reunion with my sister and cousins. It was so hard to not be there for you.