Help Wanted

by Susie Meserve | Feb 11, 2016 | Motherhood

HELP WANTED.?Clerical duties include paying bills, recycling child?s drawings of Wild Kratts characters assuming ?creature powers? when child is not looking, and collating massive amounts of wrinkled, unread periodicals. Will consider bonus pay for reading and summarizing of periodicals for resident parents, including six months? back issues of The New Yorker, Harper?s, Rolling Stone, and Crate and Barrel and BevMo! catalogs.

Courtesy of Vegas Bleeds Neon

Occasional light house keeping, including wiping urine off bathroom floor after six-year-old has been in there and scrubbing sink of stubborn sparkly Crest-brand toothpaste.

Also light errands (groceries, dental floss, new stapler, post office, oil change, wine store, etc.). Expect some meal planning/prep of healthy, ?kid-friendly? yet not drearily macaroni-laden meals. Some laundry. Also light carpentry, for ex. fixing mysteriously sticky front door lock, ensuring imminent but humane death of recurrent ants, and hanging of holiday-themed fairy lights on front walk.

Must keep multiple calendars (one on iPhone/laptop; additionally, one hanging in kitchen with endearing photos of nephews), including doctor, dentist, and parent-teacher conferences, and interpret chicken scratch on to-do lists throughout house (on white board in kitchen; on envelope-backs on desk in living room and desk in office). Financial planning skills (including balancing checkbook, paying taxes, and deciding whether $200 is too much for new boots that may last a decade?which makes them much more reasonable at a mere $20/year, if you think about it?) a must.

Ability to be in more than one place at one time a definite bonus.

Required computer skills include basic understanding of Google Docs and backing up of laptop at regular intervals. Also must know how to use so-called ?Cloud? as well as troubleshoot reason thirteen-year-old-but-heretofore-reliable printer does not like to print PDFs anymore (why? WHY??).

Desired interpersonal skills include cheerfulness when on hold with health insurance company for extended period of time; calm demeanor when purchasing airline tickets on Kayak.com, even when resident parents must enforce Austerity Measures to pay for Christmastime travel; ability to not drop aging and battered iPhone more than 2X per week (including not shouting expletives within earshot of six-year-old after said dropping occurs); and devotion to The Japanese Art of Tidying Up, the recipes and personal ethos of Mark Bittman, and yoga. Note: there will be no time for yoga.

Must be willing to pour glass of wine at end of day and assure resident working mother also attempting to write book that she is doing great job.